Sailing The Wild Sea Of Grief

*Trigger warning- miscarriage   

  • Posted On: 25 October 2022
Sailing The Wild Sea Of Grief

Sailing The Wild Sea Of Grief

*trigger warning- miscarriage 
 

(It is baby loss awerness month in October 2022 and I wanted to share a post that I wrote just over a year ago after experiencing a missed miscarriage in case it provides support to anyone  who knows this heartbreaking pain). 

 

September 2021....
Last week at an early private scan, we found out that at 9 ½ weeks pregnant, I had experienced a missed miscarriage and that our baby had died 2 weeks ago.
 
In this moment, as I sit here and type, I feel the deep sadness of my grief. 
 
I allow the tears to roll, the heavy feeling in my heart to surface and the tightness in my throat to be acknowledged.  
 
In this moment, I surrender to the pain of my broken heart. Of what could have been. Of the moments we will miss. Of the love that has been growing and the dreams that we had for our baby.
 
In the next moment, I feel nothing. A distant stare takes over. A vacant glance. A disconnection.
 
This hands over to a tightness in my jaw. A shortening in my breath, a tension in my shoulders and just like that, anger is here. Anger that we have to experience this. That we had to lose our baby. That we have to feel this pain. 
 
Why us? What did I do? Why did you have to go?
 
Then a forgiveness. 

I don’t blame anyone. I don’t blame myself. Love, forgiveness, and acceptance pay a fleeting visit.
 
And then quickly the wave of sadness again.
 
What I know so far- this is a wild ride. That you-little one, are loved. You were wanted and you are apart of our family. 

My husband is my rock, Lily-may is keeping us afloat and our friends and family are holding us. 
 
Whilst watching one of my favourite programmes a few weeks ago, something really stood out to me, a sentence that made me stop and take it in: 
 
“You will feel better than this. Maybe not now, but you will. You just keep living, until you feel alive again”-call the midwife.
 
On the ocean of grief, the water is wild. One moment a calming stillness, the next a swirling sea with waves to ride. 
 
To survive- a deep surrender is needed. To let go and loosen the grip, to feel deeply, ride each wave as it comes. And to trust that you will reach the sore. 
 
To keep living until we feel alive again. 
 
For anyone who sailing this wild sea too- I am sailing with you. 

All my love
 
Kelly x

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